The Arrival Fallacy: Why Reaching Your Goals Doesn’t Always Feel Like Enough
You know that moment you’ve been waiting for: the new job, the promotion, the move, the relationship, the degree and then… it happens. You arrive.
And instead of the joy or relief you expected, there’s a strange emptiness. You might think, “Wait, shouldn’t I feel happier?” or “Why does it still feel like something’s missing?”
If you’ve ever worked hard toward something and then felt disappointed once you got there, you’ve likely experienced what psychologists call the arrival fallacy, the mistaken belief that achieving a future goal will bring lasting happiness.
In this post, we’ll explore:
what the arrival fallacy is,
why it’s so common (especially in your 20s and 30s),
how it can affect your self-esteem and mental health, and
three practical ways to shift from chasing fulfillment to actually feeling fulfilled.
What Is the Arrival Fallacy?
The term arrival fallacy was coined by positive psychologist Tal Ben-Shahar, who described it as “the illusion that once we make it, once we attain our goal or reach our destination - we will reach lasting happiness.”
It’s that “I’ll be happy when…” mindset:
“I’ll feel confident when I get that promotion.”
“I’ll feel better once I find the right relationship.”
“I’ll finally relax when I move to a new city.”
And for a moment, when you do achieve the thing it feels good! You might feel proud, relieved, or accomplished. But soon, that feeling fades, replaced by another thought: “Okay, what’s next?”
The arrival fallacy tricks us into constantly chasing the next milestone, thinking the next one will finally be the one that makes everything click.
Why It Shows Up So Often in Your 20s and 30s
If you’re in your 20s or 30s, the arrival fallacy can feel especially intense. You’re in a stage of life where there’s constant pressure to be something: to hit milestones, make progress, figure it all out.
Maybe you’re:
Climbing a career ladder that doesn’t actually excite you anymore.
Comparing your timeline to friends getting married, buying homes, or having kids.
Wondering why “success” still feels empty even after you worked so hard for it.
This stage of life often comes with invisible expectations, both internal and external:
I should have my life together by now.
Everyone else seems happier than I am.
If I just achieve one more thing, maybe I’ll finally feel content.
It’s easy to confuse achievement with identity to believe your worth is tied to what you accomplish. But when your sense of self is built on outcomes, your happiness becomes conditional.
The Cost of the Arrival Fallacy
Living in this constant chase mode can take a quiet toll. Here’s what it often looks like in real life:
Chronic dissatisfaction: No matter what you achieve, it never feels like enough.
Burnout and exhaustion: You keep pushing toward the next goal, ignoring the need to rest or reflect.
Low self-esteem: If fulfillment always lies in the future, the present version of you never feels “enough.”
Disconnection: You stop noticing your own growth and lose touch with what genuinely brings you joy.
And maybe most of all you don’t let yourself arrive anywhere. You’re always living for the “next thing,” missing the life that’s happening right now.
How This Ties into Therapy (and Self-Worth)
As a therapist, I often see clients wrestle with the arrival fallacy disguised as self-improvement. They’ll say,
“Once I stop overthinking, I’ll finally be happy.”
“If I can just get past this anxiety, I’ll feel confident.”
But healing and growth don’t follow the same rules as achievement. Emotional growth isn’t linear or checkable, it’s felt in moments: when you pause instead of criticize yourself, when you rest without guilt, when you allow yourself to be human.
The arrival fallacy feeds off perfectionism and low self-esteem. It convinces you that you aren’t enough until something outside of you changes.
In therapy, we work to gently untangle that belief to find contentment in who you are now, not just who you’re trying to become.
Three Tangible Ways to Break Free from the Arrival Fallacy
1. Practice “Being” Goals, Not Just “Doing” Goals
Most of us are great at setting doing goals: finish school, get the promotion, run the marathon. But we often forget being goals the emotional states we actually crave underneath those accomplishments.
Try this:
Ask yourself, “What do I hope this goal will make me feel?”
If you want a new job, maybe the deeper goal is feeling valued or balanced.
If you’re chasing a relationship, maybe it’s feeling connected or secure.
Once you name the feeling, you can start cultivating that now before the goal arrives.
2. Celebrate “Micro Arrivals”
We tend to think of success as big milestones, but emotional fulfillment comes from small moments of alignment when your actions match your values.
Try this:
At the end of each week, write down:
One thing I did that made me proud.
One thing I enjoyed.
One moment I felt like myself.
These “micro arrivals” teach your brain that you are moving forward, and that happiness can exist alongside progress not just after it.
3. Reconnect with the Present Version of You
When you’re constantly chasing the future, it’s easy to overlook who you are today.
Try this grounding practice:
Pause, place one hand on your chest, one on your stomach.
Breathe deeply and ask: “What do I need right now?”
Then, do one small thing that honors that need: whether it’s resting, reaching out to someone, or stepping outside for fresh air.
The goal isn’t to stop striving; it’s to learn to arrive over and over again, in small, meaningful ways.
What True Fulfillment Feels Like
Breaking free from the arrival fallacy doesn’t mean giving up ambition or goals. It means learning to separate your worth from your outcomes.
It’s the shift from:
“I’ll be enough when I get there.”
to
“I’m enough while I’m getting there.”
When you live from that mindset, success feels lighter. You still set goals but you enjoy the process. You start noticing moments of contentment in everyday life instead of postponing happiness for the next milestone.
Final Thoughts
The arrival fallacy convinces us that happiness is waiting on the other side of accomplishment. But fulfillment doesn’t come from arriving somewhere, it comes from learning to arrive within yourself.
If you’ve been living in that endless chase of “once I get there, I’ll feel better,” therapy can help you slow down, reconnect with what actually matters, and start feeling like yourself again not someday, but now.
You deserve more than constant striving. You deserve to feel grounded, enough, and alive in the life you already have.
Disclaimer: The information in this blog is for educational and informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health care, diagnosis, or treatment. Everyone’s experience is unique. If you are struggling with your mental health, please reach out to a licensed mental health professional in your area.
If you are in crisis or having thoughts of harming yourself, please call 911 or go to your nearest emergency room. You can also call or text 988 in the U.S. to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline for immediate support.
